Notes... 2

In this note, dated Whit Sunday 1933, Langgaard refers to a conversation he had with Constance, in the course of which he reports himself as saying:
"... I feel that it is hopeless. I don't know how to explain it. The fact is, that when I am composing I cannot 'live', and when I am 'living' I cannot compose. I felt like this for some time, but at some point there was bound to come a negative reaction. Now I know what was the matter: I was forced to listen inwardly and very intensely in order to bring out that thing which was preying on my mind.

All this [continued on the other side of the paper] made me quite unsuited to live a normal life. If things had gone better for me, I probably would have been able to live more naturally. I think it was because I loved music so much, and later I have become very angry... The terrible thing about my life is that my soul is not in harmony with the conditions I live under. I miss my music and my organ. Notes lying dead in the drawer of my desk are nothing to me".

In other notes from this period Langgaard writes about a physical unrest which he cannot define, and which has bothered him since he was 16. He finally diagnosed it himself as a homosexual tendency.